—From the Damned Fool—
As part of its economic stimulus package in addressing COVID-19, the Administration is reported to be including an additional trillion dollars to arm the U.S. population.
It would underwrite the mandatory purchase of a handgun, rifle, or semi-automatic weapon for each American over the age of six. It would accompany an executive order defining all use of such federally-subsidized weapons as “self-defense.”
The spokesman, who declined to be named, explained that the plan would protect otherwise vulnerable Americans from contamination by anyone coming within six feet of the shooter, including family members. It would prop up a vital industry, saving millions of jobs, “perhaps billions,” he said, as well as reducing unemployment statistics. It would cull the population of potentially infectious individuals and reduce the strain on Medicare, Social Security, and the overall health care system.
In response to gun control advocates, he claimed that guidelines would be very strict and that anyone involved in a fatal shooting would have to fill out a form.
The spokesman denied rumors that the program targeted direct population reduction, especially in large-city Democratic strongholds. “Culling would be strictly nonpartisan,” he assured, “though no question it would have positive side effects for the environment.”
Might this not spur an increase in accidental deaths? “No death is accidental. It’s a consequence of predictable circumstances. We put our trust in the good will of the American people. No one wants to kill without purpose.”
In reply to the question of whether this might survive a court challenge, he expressed confidence. “We feel we’ve got the courts pretty well in hand.”
Addressing where the additional trillion would come from, a concern raised in regard to social programs, he replied, “The more debt we pile up, the greater the restraint on future Administrations in proposing vast wasteful spending programs.We are the party of restraint.”
[For more laughter from the belly of the beast, check out REALISTS, our novel of dystopian optimism, at https://damnedfool.com/books/realists/.]