Marriage. . .

—From CB—

The question came up on Facebook of “What makes for a successful marriage?”

Most replies were jokes, of course: “A quick divorce,” “Saying ‘Yes dear,’ to everything,” “Lots of booze,” etc. In general, marriage has a pretty bad reputation, yet for something so foul, it’s still popular. Maybe like beer.

In the writing of fiction, if it ends in marriage it qualifies as “romance;” if it doesn’t it’s “literary.” In the present-day theatre, WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF is much more popular than THE FOURPOSTER.

I was moved to respond, having been in a marriage for 63 years, clearly “till death do us part,” but I restrained myself. Partly because it’s a hopelessly complex thing to answer, partly because “successful” is so subject to interpretation, and partly because an answer is instantly converted to advice.

Yet given all that, I’m moved to try. Please understand: this comes solely from my experience, not from a heavenly messenger or a best-selling how-to. And everyone’s different

1) A business partnership is based on a common goal: usually to make money. Few partnerships are simply “I wanna work with you doing something.” Our marriage has worked partly because we’ve worked together from the start, no different than my relatives, all farmers in lifelong marriages: when the pigs needed tending, you break off the fight and tend to the pigs. For us, it’s when rehearsal is scheduled to start or the grant application has to get in the mail. A goal can be many things, ours to make theatre. Other possible goals: to make money, to make a career, to serve God, to keep up with the Jones’s, etc. My impression is that most of us enter the partnership without the foggiest notion, except perhaps an impulse to get close or to have an idyllic life, as they do in the movie we saw.

2) Mutual respect. How to measure that? I have no idea, We tend toward giving respect to others who have the strongest resemblance to us—logic, talent, politics, etc.—and that may be a marker. We hit it off by working on a scene for stage-directing class, I directing, she acting, both of us making the translation. To go from that to an incredibly complex relationship with ourselves and the outside world was a strange hopscotch, but though radically different in temperament, I think we’ve never lost respect for one another’s strengths and basic humanity.

3) Of course true communication is needed, but “truth” can be a sharing or a club. A friend once quoted what’s proven to be useful. A threefold evaluation of any communication: (a) Is it true? (b) Is it kind? (c) Is it necessary? If two of the three are yes, then say it. We’ve used a process, though rarely, that we call “heartshare.” If I’m seriously disturbed about something, I may ask for a heartshare. The only rule is that I have to be honest, I can’t exaggerate, and my mate can only listen and not respond, except to ask questions that are truly to understand, not to rebut. We trust that the other person hears us.

4) Change happens. Few couples pose for the wedding portrait and are able to hold that pose for 50 years. We’ve made radical changes—from an academic career to freelance weirdos, from Midwest to West, to the Pacific, to South, back to the Midwest, to the East, and back to the Pacific; from monogamy to polyamory to aged monogamy; from parents to distant parents; from dog to cats; from theatre to writing fiction—and I don’t think we’re abnormal in the necessity of change and acceptance of trust.

5) Ceremony. For some it may be going to Mass or other religious celebrations. For us it’s been a regular practice of celebrating a Sabbath (20+ years), Horned Moon and Full Moon (40+ years), and going to the ocean on Sundays (20 years). And about once a month, we each take a solo day. Our cats value some element of predictability. As do we.

6) Responsibility. My father deserted my mother when I was two, so I’ve always had an almost pathological sense of loyalty. Elizabeth was raised by a mother with a serious alcohol problem; the father forced himself to be blind to it, so loyal he was to her. For us both, “responsibility” has been a major issue. We can’t say that others should stay in abusive or inadequate relationships, of course, only that the responsibility of both is for change.

I believe in marriage. I don’t believe in the hype either for or against. I don’t believe it’s either a bridge to happiness or an obstacle to it. I sorta wish that people entered into it like a business partnership, but that’s not quite relevant when you touch her lips. Perhaps gay marriage will redeem the institution, at least in literature, though I tend to look on the dark side.

I welcome others to comment on this. It’s important, I think.